Director's Notes

The thought or concept of blogging really appeals to me.  Putting my thoughts down on “paper” could be great and inexpensive therapy.  However, the time during the day when I HAVE the time to blog is early in the morning.  Anywhere between 4am and 6am.  This is the time of day that my brain starts over.  Rethinking decisions. Review, replaying and practicing conversations from yesterday, that will happen today and even preparing for tomorrow.  People always comment how “quick on my feet” I am.  I’m not quick, I have just had the same conversation over and over again in my head before it happens.  Pre-thinking and preparing for which ever way the conversations can go.  But I digress.  So blogging early in the wee small hours of the morning is what works for me.  HOWEVER;  I don’t want to have to proof read them, correct the spelling, correct the punctuation,  Worry if I’ve made someone upset or angry by my comments.  Blogging is easier said than done.  So…and I say so so much…here is what is in my head this morning:

The thought or concept of blogging really…oh wait, I’ve covered that.   So (<– told you) I will be producing and directing The Fantasticks in Feb.  I have the show partly cast already.  What is bothering me is the lack of support I am finding here.  I’ve worked with a great number of people while I’ve been here in IL.  People who I’ve talked to about the way I did things in Atl.  They always are in support of helping out, understanding and appreciating the way I did things.  UNTIL, it’s time that I come a call’n for help.  At that point, people seem to get offended that I even asked them for help.  PLEASE correct me if I am wrong, but I do believe I am first to give credit to EVERYONE involved in a project.  But some people want more than credit.  They want to be center stage with all lights and eyes on them.  WAKE UP!!!!  While I don’t have the time right now to list all things that I believe makes a great actor I will say this, I am a better actor because I’ve worked back stage, in the light/sound booth, done costumes, props, make-up, stage managed, moved sets, cleaned the theater afterward…  I have an appreciation as to what goes on behind the scenes in order for a show to go up.  Many actors that I’ve worked with, who may even being reading this has no idea what goes on back stage while their out in the spot light.  DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO RUN THE SPOT LIGHT?  Moving on…I am just missing the support I had in Atlanta.  I am missing people knowing what their strengths are and not just on the stage. (the Hoot just came in and asked me why I am up so early.  He is so cute in his half awake/sleep mode)  I miss not having to worry about things coming together or getting done.  My friends and co-workers took pride in their work.  I think that’s what people are missing out on.  Being able to stand back and be proud of what you and others accomplish together.  That feeling can be just as satisfying as applause.  Now on to me.   I messed up.  I got so used to people being so good at what they did, that there were a few aspects of the theater that I did not and have not learned.  Raising money.  This one is killing me.  I am very uncomfortable asking for funding.  Traveling Trunk Entertainment (my new production company) is a 501(c)3 (not for profit) organization.  For those that don’t know, if you make a donation to us you can use that as a tax write off.  This should make it easier to go and ask for funding.  But it doesn’t.  Not one bit.  And that’s all I can say on this point because it makes me feel uncomfortable to even talk about.  However, I will say this.  I have to wonderful friends here in IL that have both donated money to TTE.  The first donation paid for the filing of our 501(c)3 status.  The second donation is what has paid for the holding of the rights for several shows, postage and a few supplies.

Back to why I don’t blog.  That stuff and much more “stuff” is in my head right now.  And I am tired of writing at this point.  Not to mention, I need more coffee and it is now 7am and 43 outside.  (Not sure why I needed to put the temp down, but oh well)

P.S.  If you would like to donate money to TTE, let me know.  I’ll take amount you can give.  I will provide you with our tax ID and a receipt of your donation for tax purposes.  Thank you.  (that was uncomfortable)

In preparation for getting my foot back in the theater and both feet on stage again, I’ve been working on songs, monologs, video submissions and I’ve attend a few (very few) auditions.  And in doing so, I’ve had to deal with so much mental and verbal abuse.  Here is a small edited list of some of the things I’ve heard:

• You’re too old
• You really need to be a triple threat to make it these days
• Why not go back into directing
• You’ve really lost what you had and you’re not as good as you were
• Do you really want to embarrass yourself like this
• Your smile is weak and you should have your teeth straightened
• You need to lose about 20 lbs and consider working out.  After all, look who you’re up against.  (looking on either side of me- they are both 20? Really good looking.  Triple threats…etc.)
• I don’t think you really want it bad enough

Like I said, this is just a small sample of the things I’ve heard over the past several months but nonetheless are making a huge impact on my day to day existence.    Are all of these things true?  Of course they have to be, why else would I allow them to affect me so much.   Why would I continue to tell myself these things over and over and over again?   Yep, you guessed it.  All of these things are all coming from me.  Not one person in my life has ever said anything like this to me.  However, I continue to sabotage my every thought with these words.

These words alone keep me in bed all day. They keep my face planted in a fast food bag.  They keep me on line checking the status of friends that are out living their lives instead of looking for more acting gigs.  They affect my relationship with my partner and with close friends.  Who wants to give updates like, “Nope, still not doing anything.”

Look at the POWER OF WORDS in action.  They have crippled me.  They reverberate in my head 24 hours a day.  They appear in my dreams at night.  I can’t do anything without them.  They are always there.  How can I take that power back?

Have you ever noticed how we love helping others out?  I have a very close friend that suffered a stroke in April of 2009.  A fellow actor, musician, Librarian, husband, friend to all…  He has made such amazing progress over the past year, but is still not back to where he once was.   He has very little movement in his left hand which is a huge hindrance in playing the piano. This is just one of his many passions.  It breaks my heart to hear him beat himself up over not having progressed further at this point.  To see his face when we sit down at the piano together both wearing a “double glove” that I came up with and sewed together so that as I play the piano his hand moves with mine.   I do everything I can to help lift his spirit up and encourage him to keep pushing to make himself better only to get into the car and begin beating myself up all over again.  WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?  In reality, doesn’t this make me a fraudster?  It’s like finding out that the celebrity that is praising a certain skin care product on TV doesn’t really use the product at all, but instead relies only on air brushing and great editing software.

I know that I am not alone in this.  Believe me when I say that I talk to many people every day.  I get endless emails and texts from friends that are in need of a little self confidence boost.  I know my place there.  So, I do it.  I say a few positive words and like a big “SHAM WOW” it wipes up their troubles and they move forward.   We all do it.  I read the responses that people leave other friends.  We are so good at showing people the positive light at the end of the tunnel.  The right path to take.  Not to mention, we are also the first to point out those that need some help. We are so quick to stir up the poop in someone else’s yard because it helps to mask the smell of our own poop in our own yard.  Why do we do this?

In a world where self medication is prevalent and most preferred, why do we not self counsel?  Why not have a little heart to heart with ourselves?  It seems simple enough, right?  I mean I pray from time to time, why not just talk to myself in between?    I have the answers.  We all have the answers.  Many of you right now have already started writing your responses to this post in your heads before you’ve even finished reading it.  It’s natural.  It’s human.  As a matter of fact, as I write this, I have even written many responses that I would want to post about this post.  I will spare you those.

The POWER OF WORDS.  That’s the supernatural power we all have.  I need to nourish that power and learn to harness it and use it in a positive way.   I’ll never be able to leap up in the air and take flight.  I’ll never be able to lift a school bus.  However, the power that words give us allows us to move mountains ever day in the lives of everyone we encounter.  Why not use that same power to change our own lives, forever.

I need to learn how to do this.   I need to get my “BUT” out of the way and allow my “CAN” to get moving.   I am the only one that can make this happen.  So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some work to do and a Super Hero cape to iron.

I can’t believe that I am even wasting time on this, however…

Steven Slater, the flight attendant from Jet Blue.  Look it up if you have not heard.  I am hoping he gets the max punishment which could be up to 7 years in prison.  I say throw the queen in the slammer.  Its gay men like him that turn gay men like me into gay men like Jeffery Dahmer.    If I had been on the plane, I would be contacting a attorney to sue for trauma and distress.  (And I am not one to sue anyone.)  When the passenger allegedly hit him in the head while putting her luggage in the overhead bin, she didn’t apologize to Mr. Slater.  Believe me; if a passenger hit me in the head with her luggage, I am sure I would have been pretty ticked off.  However, don’t make her the victim.  I would have:

1)      Acted like she knocked me out and fallen across her body at the same time sticking my finger down my throat causing me to throw up on her face.

2)      Having her removed from the plane as a hostile passenger causing bodily harm to the flight crew.

Now for those of you who don’t know, (All two of you who read my tiny blog), I am bipolar, otherwise known as manic-depressive illness.  So Mr. Slater, please contact your doctor and ask for a prescription of Lamictal.  I would suggest to you the highest dosage of 400mg.

Jet Blues “light hearted” response…

It wouldn’t be fair for us to point out absurdities in other corners of the industry without acknowledging when it’s about us. Well, this week’s news certainly falls into that category. Perhaps you heard a little story about one of our flight attendants? While we can’t discuss the details of what is an ongoing investigation, plenty of others have already formed opinions on the matter. Like, the entire Internet. (The reason we’re not commenting is that we respect the privacy of the individual. People can speak on their own behalf; we won’t do it for them.) While this episode may feed your inner Office Space, we just want to take this space to recognize our 2,300 fantastic, awesome and professional Inflight Crewmembers for delivering the JetBlue Experience you’ve come to expect of us. You can’t make this shtick up.

I just threw up a little.

They did offer each passenger on that flight $100 vouchers.  This in today’s economy will get you half way down the runway.

I have a prediction:  Book Deal with movie options.  My working title for both… “Fairy Takes Flight”

I am at a time in my life where I really could use some instructions.  My laptop has instructions.  My AeroGarden has instructions.  Even my shampoo has instructions.  But life, no instructions.  Now let me state that I am a Christian and yes, I know, that people say the Bible is life’s instructions book.  However, I don’t always agree on that.  And, before more of you jump…I do believe in prayer just as I do believe that we have the free will to do what we feel we need or want to do.

Right now, I am at a crossroads.  I have the ability and the means to do what I want.  This means, to start up another production company here in the Chicago area, or hit the stage again.  I truly don’t know what to do.  I get discouraged every day that passes and I don’t feel driven in any one direction.  I have the love and support of a wonderful partner and family and friends.  So that’s not even an issue.  I know that having just turned 40 is really throwing me off my game.  Starting over again at 40? Really?  Didn’t I do this all before?  Shampoo, rinse, repeat.  Oh Lort!